2007---to date

It's been an interesting year. In everything that I face, fully expecting to be drained, empty, devastated, totally emotionally exhausted and slaughtered, etc. I find Christ's fullness. Every time I think I'm starting to run empty, I find myself full. It's impossible; it's unexplainable in human terms; it's grace. And it's good.

It's the strange foolishness of sacrifice. Luke 17:33

33 Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

That makes no sense, no logical, rational sense. But God is more than logical and rational; He's loving, gracious, and oh, so mysterious. And He's good.

shrimp

Time is passing very slowly and I'm putting labels on envelopes.

I was thinking about my friend, Catherine, who has stage 4 cancer, and I was thinking about one of my relationships that seems broken, or at least crippled. And the feeling I had was that these are both impossible situations. Catherine won't heal and my relationship won't mend. Then I thought about that phrase Christians say all the time---something like "with God, all things are possible." So I prayed, and then I realized that I was saying the words yet praying without hope for a change.

Miracles aren't normal. God usually lets things run according to their nature, which is sinful and that means death. People get sick and die and relationships are broken and destroyed. But the truth is, God is able to save; He is able to work miracles outside of the natural order. Knowing that He can and praying that He will doesn't mean that He'll do what I want, but I have to learn and know that He is able and willing. Not that He'll do, but that He's able. And it's impossible for me to know that when I don't see it happen. I'm like the Jews who kept asking Jesus for a sign, though it didn't always lead to belief. No, God empowers me to believe the impossible, whether I see it or not.

And I felt some reluctance to mention my relationship in the same instance as my friend who has cancer. But God is in relation (the Trinity), and He has made us in His image as relational beings. I think the brokenness of relationships in this life is just as horribly unnatural as death is. Jesus's death was coupled with a severing of His relationship with the Father. And that sacrifice gave us the very real hope of life and healed relationships, even if we don't see them before Jesus returns.

Praise God for His power! Praise God for His ability and willingness! Praise God for His faithfulness! Praise Him for His goodness!

wouldn't you know

The craziest things happen.

Mom was cooking lunch, and she and Dad heard a crash--like a crash when a bird hits the window.

Thirty minutes later, Mom and I were eating at the dining room table, gazing out the window to the wonderfully green trees and bright sunshine (May is a lovely month). Our picturesque view was momentarily distracted by an object in proximity--on the window, as a matter of fact. Um, what did our wondering eyes behold? Was it a splattered bug? Was it a clod of mud thrown from the street? Was it... yes, it was... BIRD POO!

So that bird must have had quite a scare when he found himself face to face with glass rather than an enemy. Scared something right out of him.

This wasn't the most appetizing way to enjoy a meal, but it was entertaining.

work

The building I work in is surrounded by trees. My desk sits in front of a wall-to-wall window, so I'm often able to enjoy looking at these trees. Across the street that runs in front of the building, I can see the physical plant, and there are yet more trees next to this other building.

Every few weeks or so, I notice a clump of men standing next to the clump of trees. A few will have their hands clasped behind their backs, and one or more others will be pointing and gesturing at the clump of trees.

One time after this series of events, they actually spent several days cutting down one of the trees and removing some vines. Another time, they pulled up a stump.

Even when some action is taken, there are still at least three men clumped around and pointing or clasping their hands. They seem to enjoy pointing and gesturing at the workers as much as they do the clump of trees.

They seem to be moving progressively farther into the clump of trees. For instance, today they are almost in the dark, shady part of the clump. I wonder what they're about to do.

Carrot cake and suspenders

I took a quick trip to the grocery this a.m. to get some ingredients for carrot cake (with nuts! can you believe this is me??). I was careful to get all the ingredients I needed so that I wouldn't have to make a mad dash to the store later on to get some ingredient I didn't have on hand.

So this afternoon as I made the mad dash to the store to get the one ingredient I'd forgotten this a.m., I saw a man. He was older, maybe late 60s, with very thin arms and legs. The reason I knew he had thin arms and legs is because he was only wearing what looked like some cut off khakis, rolled up... short...very short, actually. They reminded me of the length (if I should even call it a length) of Trey's tennis shorts from 1974. So, this man, bronzed by the sun, had on the top at least of some nice khakis and a nice-looking, dark leather belt. He seemed quite comfortable.

Then I thought about how hot and humid it's going to be this summer. And I just remembered that I get to spend July in California where the climate is so temperate they don't even install air-conditioners in the dorm rooms. And thinking of dorm rooms made me think about the fact that I'll be sharing a dorm room with two other strangers (I hope they put me with girls--it is California, after all!) for a whole month. I think Trey's right. This trip will change me.

I'm glad I learned to like mushrooms and nuts

It opens doors to all sorts of new culinary delights!

As I thought about how we make plans, how we want to know what the Lord's plan is for us, how we are afraid of making choices outside of that plan (as though we could!), something made me think of this passage in Jeremiah (it's from the 29th chapter):

10 “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

I don't know how (or if) you're supposed to take God's words to Israel in the prophets and apply them to today, but God's character is unchanging; thankfully He isn't fickle or confused by His emotions like I am. I was struck by the sound of compassion and care in God's words here. I'm not sure if it's just in the language or if this passage is particularly comforting to me right now. God knew He was sending His people into a place they didn't want to go and where they would be very unhappy. Yet He sent them because it was part of His plan for them, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." So I don't know God's plans; I can only make choices with what's in front of me. But I know He knows His plan. And I know His plans are good.

And God has been working out His plan, a plan which includes me. As I struggle over the idea of a lost dating relationship, I have to see that through God's direction. Should I ask, Have I messed up? Or should I ask, What has God given me? Does God ever lose anything He can't find? Does He ever waste anything? Is anything outside of His purpose? And like Mrs. K said, God has me in the palm of His hand. If His character is sure and I am His child, I haven't lost anything! (The world and devil would certainly like me to believe that I have.) I have gained a wonderful, godly friend and through him a wonderful, godly family. I don't know how my relationships will change over time, but I do know that I don't have to figure that out to have peace right now. What a blessing to live in the light of God's faithfulness!