Dog psychology

I really know nothing of dog psychology, but I am a (sometimes) keen observer of behavior. They have some attention-gaining techniques which I have tried in vain to comprehend. Maybe you, my thoughtful blog readers, can offer some new insight.

1) If human ignores you, get up, take two steps, jiggle dog tags, and sit down. Observe human. If human turns to look at you, get up and assume anticipatory expression (this will cause human to feel guilt). When human again ignores you, click toenails on floor, taking three or four steps, jiggle dog tags, and sit down. Observe human. When human blinks, talks, moves, or breathes, get up, assume anticipatory expression, click toenails, jiggle dog tags, and lie down. Repeat as necessary.

2) If forbidden to enter human's room of occupation, assume a position as close to said room as possible. Smack lips. For best effect smack lips continuously for 1-2 minutes. If human makes comments such as "Argh! that is so disgusting!" continue smacking for at least 2 more minutes. Observe human. Sit quietly until human appears to forget your presence. Spread legs and begin to noisily lick between legs. Continue with gusto. Exclaimations from human of any kind are desirable.

3) If under any circumstances human goes toward the tile-floored room and appears to desire privacy, immediately follow and attempt to get in room with human. If door is pulled almost closed, attempt to stick nose in and observe human. If door is completely closed, assume lounging position immediately in front of door and wait. When human opens door, scramble to feet, click toenails, jiggle dog tags, and lie down.